Dealing With Change (Keeping Faith)

Today is Wednesday; December 5th, 2012. It's my first full day out of the hospital. I have been put on beta blockers, a Medtronic Reveal XT Insertable Cardiac Monitor has been installed in my chest, and I'm emotionally drained. It all started with a routine check up at Cedars-Sinai when they suggested I wear an event monitor in October. They caught signs of a fatal heart rhythm (Ventricular Tachycardia) and informed me that I was going to have to have the same surgery (an ablation) I had at 16 years old.

Fast forward to Monday the 3rd. It was a routine surgery where I thought that all was going to be alright and I was going to be able to go back to work come the beginning of the new year. That evening, I had a friend come visit me as well as my mentor and her husband. While my mentor was there, my heart decided to go into all sorts of weird rhythms. (They had decided not to implant a monitor inside my chest after the ablation because they couldn't induce VT.) Since VT was a rhythm they caught twice, both 12 seconds long, they thought it would be better to implant the device in my chest.

They had to squeeze my operation in on the 4th for this loop monitor and I was rushed out of the hospital. I thought it was strange because there was no discharge paperwork, we had to go back to Cedars to have the doctor call into the pharmacy, and then figure out why they didn't order a generic brand of Vicodin like they said they were going to. So my discharge experience wasn't the greatest. They just gave my girlfriend the Medtronic box that the monitor came in but that's all the information we got. So Cedars really dropped the ball there but both incisions are very clean and the staff was superb.

The medication is making me a little tired but I'm sick of laying around on a bed so I'm out and about today. I was at the park with M just talking about life. I have slight groin pain since that's the incision areas where they went through for the ablation. The chest pain I have is unlike anything I've felt before. I know it will pass but every time I laugh, cough, sneeze, etc. I cringe from pain. In a week I will be fine and the incision will turn into a scar. I have to carry around the recording device with me at all times in case I need to record an episode. It's a major change to my life.

This blog isn't about me. The intention of this blog is about change. It's about holding onto faith that everything will work out in the end and everything will be beautiful. If it's not, then it's not the end. Most people do not like change. They get worried about starting a new job because it's different. They worry about moving (especially to a different state/city) because it's different. Most break ups are postponed because people have to deal with change. As humans, we don't deal well with change because we are used to a certain routine and if something messes that up, we get scared. It's change.

[I had to cut caffeine out of my life 5 months ago to see if caffeine was affecting my heart rhythms. It wasn't but it's a health choice I decided to make anyway. On occasion I will have a real coffee instead of decaf but I feel instantly better in the mornings when I don't need caffeine.]

I thought I was going to pull through without having anything implanted since I woke up and the doctor seemed sure I didn't need a loop monitor or a defibrillator. Turns out things can change at the flip of a coin and that's scary. Life happens. Things change. That doesn't mean that life is hard. I could have been in the mindset that "life sucks" or "why is this happening to me" and trust me, that's where I wanted to resort to. But I am finding this to be more of a blessing than a curse. There are always two sides to a coin. Two sides to a story. Two sides to how to react to something.

I am truly blessed that there is this kind of technology out there to keep me healthy. I am now part robot (Sorry ladies, I'm already spoken for but being part robot is sexy. I'm just glad I didn't end up getting the Austrian accent that happened in The Terminator. My accent is more of an "Oh sure, you betcha" kind of mess.) I am filled with so much gratitude that my surgery was successful. That the incisions are clean and small. That I'm able to still be alive without being in pain. The only downside is that I had my license suspended and deemed ineligible to work. The upside to that is I'm going to be able to focus on my writing, websites, and other ventures I want to focus on. The doctor predicts I won't be able to go back to doing production assistant work until summer of 2013 at the EARLIEST.

All I'm telling you is that I want you to keep the faith during times of struggle. It may seem like the darkness is consuming your life and that everything is going wrong. As long as you continue to press on towards your dreams, life has a funny way of working everything out for you. You can't just say you are keeping the faith, you have to truly believe that everything will work out. Blind faith to be exact. I've held onto the faith since I was 18 years old. That got me positions in Florida, New Orleans, Los Angeles, etc. I didn't know where I was going to stay in any of the places but it always worked out and I was always able to thrive in those areas.

Change is scary. Change isn't always fun. But always remember that there is always a shed of light beaming down as long as you believe. You may not be able to see it but as long as you keep searching, it will be there. The Universe always provides for those who believe. If you only walk on the sunny days, you'll never get to your destination.

Light, Love, and Blessings!